Various Storms & Saints

Ice Castles...

Ice Castle

I can feel the ice cold emotions running through the walls of this castle...

I can hear your fierce howls like wind as they swirl past my skirt, 
 I brush the crumbling walls with my finger tips as I walk on

I think to myself, let the dust, brick and mortar fall!

This moment as time stands still, I gaze out the window of this turret and I ask myself if I've been in a deep winters sleep, maybe it's all been a dream

 I have witnessed countless moons passing by as well as too many to count settings of the sun
I have memory of each of them, burned deep within me soul

Still I wonder...

Has the beauty of my youth been held captive or just remained here from sheer will 

Have I been so caught up in the mesmerizing endless hallways, dark corners and hidden rooms to see its fierceness that feeds off my light

I have been nobodies prisoner but my own I suppose

Still I find myself endlessly in search of the the garden with glass walls, the garden that blooms all year in-spite of the frost that surrounds it

 I know it's here waiting to be found but my fatigue gets the best of me and I long for the walls to just come down

Something deep inside my soul drives me beyond my own strength  to keep going so I can quench my thirst one last time from the dew that drips from the withered leaves of its beauty
 This driving desire has placed me many times into the snare of loneliness, disappointment and defeat 

Still I wonder...

I wonder if all I've touched, craved and bathed myself in has all been a dream but then why have the colors of my memory not faded, nor the fragrance of your strength and beauty gone away from me

I wish to wake up now and walk out into the summers sun, yes if I am asleep someone wake me

Through blurred eyes I look out this window and find myself searching for a reflection off the glass that holds the treasures of my past, present and possibility 

Perhaps I am in search for the long stem beauty with it's thorns so plenty 

After all, I know how you long for the blood of my thumb but still, I reach for you anyway...

Ray LaMontagne - Let It Be Me

Still Here

Candy Cane Kisses

Holidays have a way of bringing out the best and worst in people. As for me, I love them and all that they entail. Christmas is my holiday of choice, the music, giving gifts to others, and acts of kindness being extended to perfect strangers.

I never have understood the people who find themselves depressed or out of sorts especially with the beauty and delight that come with all lights that shine with holiday sparkle.

Well, I didn't understand until this year
This year I  have had the unfortunate experience of loss and heartache in many areas of my life. 
It's the pain that comes to steal the brightness from my Christmas sparkle. 

Yes, I now have the understanding of why people may feel like hiding under their winter blanket's while waiting for the bright lights to come down, along with evergreen that invades their senses to be taken out to the curb

What I discovered is that the memories of what use to be during the holidays can hinder what the holidays may look like now in the present 

 So this year I decided to switch things up a bit. 
I no longer want to grieve about what was or what is no longer,
I want to rediscover a new way of making things sparkle. 

I have given up the same tree lot that I have frequented for over 25 years. I have not hung lights from every corner of my roof or hung evergreen garland in my home

I am however not choosing to forget the comfort of what use to be, but I am reinventing what can still be

I am choosing to throw my winter blanket aside and join the the laughter of my children

It doesn't mean that my grief and the pain of my broken heart is gone but Christmas has a way of wanting the best in all of us to shine like a beacon to the broken hearts of others. 

I want to find my laughter, my joy, my peace on Christmas morning stuffed all snug like a bug in my stocking or tucked under the tree wrapped and ready to be opened.

Tonight I stare into the light of the fire and suddenly with my hand over my heart I can feel the pain that continues to pierce it. 

I'm sure as I sleep tonight the memories of who and what I miss along with pictures of the days past will haunt me, they do nightly. When tomorrow comes, when I wake I will choose to participate in what God has gifted me with. The laughter of my children, taking in the fragrance of the day and even enjoying the music that fills the air of grocery stores shopping malls and family homes.

I will give my kids my candy cane kisses...